be happy for this moment, for this moment is your life.

"I feel like a jigsaw puzzle missing a piece... & I'm not even sure what the picture should be."

-Dexter

I've been trying to explain my current self, in a way that I don't know how... the way I feel & the way I don't feel, the way I care & the way I don't care, how I'm okay but then I'm not, how I'm happy but then I'm sad, how I feel like I need my friends and family but at the same time feel like I need no one.  It's almost as hard as trying to explain a face you've never seen before, or trying to explain an unfamiliar place that you've never been.  I've been saying I need to do me... cause I need to figure me out, cause who I am now,..isn't the "me" I know... it isn't the "me" everyone else knows.  I'm not saying I'm a totally different person... but how I feel, inside... is different.  I won't lie, I admit there are days I put on a facade and act like nothing's wrong... but that's how I get through the day without someone asking me "what's wrong?"  I'm the girl who puts on a smile and acts like everythings okay... when in reality I'm not even sure if things are okay or not, cause I honestly don't know how I feel.  I feel like I'm in limbo... like I'm floating in the place between the good and the bad, waiting for something to happen.  Waiting for me to start feeling like myself.  I've said before that I'm changing, and maybe this place where I'm at isn't limbo... and it's just how or where I am now.  If that's the case, then there's a lot to get used to.  I don't know what to do or how to change my current "self"... I feel like a part of me is missing, a part of me I took for granted.  I'm not sure where, how or when exactly I lost it... but I did. 

I've had to apologize to friends cause they've taken the way I feel personally.  Part of me doesn't think I have anything to apologize for, cause is in reality, I don't feel like I did anything to THEM... I feel like I've done something to MYSELF.  I think I should be apologizing to myself for losing a part of me I shouldn't have lost.  But then again, putting myself in their shoes - is the reason why I did apologize.  I can't expect people to understand the way I feel or the way I am right now, so on their behalf and our friendship, I've apologized and the only thing I can do is hope they accept my apology and hope when I come out of "this",  when and if I do... that they'll be there.  I know it's frustrating, trust me, cause I'm the one in it.  Like I said, I don't expect people to understand what I'm going through, cause I don't... but for those who feel betrayed or befriended, which was not my intention whatsoever, bare with me... cause I'm trying.