"I'm not that girl anymore...

That girl is long gone - boy you missed the boat it just sailed away.

Long gone... She's not drowning in her yesterdays.

Betcha never thought I'd be that strong... Well this girl is long gone."

-Lady Antebellum lyrics to Long Gone

"I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle.  But if a man can't handle me at my worst, then he sure has hell doesn't deserve me at my best." 

 -Marilyn Monroe

1.  Made it to the gym 4x this week.  Pretty good since #2 occured halfway through the week.

2.  Sick.  Ugh!  Had what I thought was a small cold the beginning of the week from my trip to Lake Arrowhead, but from Wednesday night to today all Ive been doing is sneezing, blowing my nose, coughing, and collecting trash...YUCK!!  2 boxes of tissue, a box of DayQuil/NightQuil... FUN STUFF!

3.  ONE TREE HILL!!  First of all, was waay excited that it started back up this week... 2nd of all, it was by far one of the best episodes!  I watched it while at the gym on the elliptical... Love how one minute I think I was laughing out loud, and the next minute was trying to hold back the tears.  I am waaaaaaaaay excited for the "wedding" episode next week.  But seriously, this one tv show totally made my week... =)

4.  Had lunch with Tristan... Mmm Baja Fresh!  Was pretty funny watching the aftermath of London eating a jalapeno!

5.  Changed it up.... I am no longer a solid brunette.  Added some red up in the mix... Decided It needed to spice up my life a little. =)  (Will post a pic soon... taking a pic w/no make-up and still looking sickly... no bueno) lol

6.  Weddings, weddings, weddings.  Oh how much I love weddings.  Helped Steph and Brett with their guest list and "pre-planned" seating arrangement.  Talked about colors and centerpieces... How much this stuff can make my day 10x better.... I LOVE IT!!

7.  Lazy Sunday.  I woke up today with a dark room (at 12:30!!)... to the sound of an empty house and rain!  Ahhhh... wouldn't have wanted to wake up any other way! Though I do feel like I should have gone with Steph and Brett to their wedding venue,  or with my parents and Melissa to go see Robby... I made an executive decision to lay low today.  And hopefully finally shake this sickness.

"This life is what you make of it. No matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about."

-Marilyn Monroe

"I know my heart will never be the same, but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.

Even on my weakest days.... I get a little bit stronger."

-Sara Evans lyrics for A Little Bit Stronger


I understand that we all have different obstacles in life.  I'm not talking about every day obstacles... like what to wear, or what drink we should order at Starbucks, or what we're doing after work.  I'm talking about those life changing obstacles... the obstacles that build character, the ones that build you into the person you were meant to be.  The ones that you either turn around and run from, or the ones you look straight in the face and say.. "bring it on."

It's amazing how fast these things can happen.  How fast your life can change, present and future. Whether it be finding out your mother is diagnosed with  breast cancer, whether it be a death of someone you were close to, whether it be the health of your grandparents or even your health in question, whether it be family moving to another state, whether it be a small little fight with friends, or an ending to a friendship/relationship.

Sometimes these obstacles break you.  Sometimes you have to hide behind a smile and pretend you're okay.  Sometimes you have to hide the tears until you're alone and cry yourself to sleep. Sometimes you feel like if you don't show you care, that people may believe you.  Sometimes you'll feel lost, but you don't want to say it out loud.  Sometimes you'll feel weak, but you don't want to admit it.  Sometimes you have to pretend that everything is peachy to stay strong for other people, when inside.. you're hurting.. or numb.

But most of the time, after facing these obstacles... you're a better version of what you were.  Some come out stronger, smarter, wiser, happier, or in some cases... healthier.  But to get there... you are going to have those days.  The days you want to take everything back.  The days you feel like giving up the fight.  The days you sit there and wish you can go back, wishing you should have said or done something different.  The days your cry yourself to sleep cause you feel like you can't go through it another day.  The days you stare at the phone, cause you miss being able to make that phone call.  The days you miss being able to spend time with certain people.  The days you miss the crazy laughs, crazy times, crazy conversations.

Some obstacles are out of your control. 
Some obstacles you have complete control. 

My obstacles that I'm faced with today... I don't really have much control in.  I do, but I don't.  Confusing?  Yes.  Lets say with how things are now, I can't do anything different than what I'm doing. Yea, it's hard, sometimes it hurts...
But I've said this many times this week... "It's life". 

Your heart may not be the same during/after these obstacles. Your life may not be the same. You may not be the same. But I honestly believe things will work out. You will be okay. Everything happens for a reason. Just believe that as each day passes, that's another day you got through. And as each day passes, you get stronger and stronger - whether it be emotionally, physically, or psychologically.

I feel exactly what my quote says and truly believe it...

"I know my heart will never be the same, but I'm telling myself I'll be okay. 
Even on my weakest days... I get a little bit stronger."

"My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done, and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return."

-Maya Angelou

As much as I want to write a deep meaningful blog tonight... my head is fogged up, my eyes are puffy, my nose is running, my throat is itchy and swollen, and my head is getting really heavy.  Ive been running on DayQuil all day...  and I feel it wearing off. Yuck! This is noooo bueno, and noooo fun.

I hope to shake this mood, this stress, and now this sickness soon.  I feel the need to get back to my creative writing.

Siiiigh

;)

"You never leave someone behind... You take a part of them with you, and leave a part of yourself behind."

-Anonymous

"Stress is simply the adaptation of our bodies and minds to change."

-Peter G. Hanson, M.D.

"Stress is the trash of modern life - we all generate it, but if you don't dispose of it properly... it will pile up and overtake your life."

-Danzae Pace


Not sure what it is today... but its either just as bad, or even worse than yesterday.  So when I said I was hoping for a "better and brighter tomorrow"... I really meant it.  I'm ready for this week to be O-V-E-R!!!

I can't really pinpoint exactly what is stressing me out.  There are a handful of issues/situations/problems... and I think I may just be overwhelmed, that I can't handle it all, or I feel like I can't handle it all.  These handful of situations are a mix of changes, possibilities, unknowns, and your normal "I'm over it" feeling.  And unfortunately, they're making me an emotional wreck (oh, and also throw in a cold and not feeling good).  And on top of it all, I know and I feel like I have to be strong... for myself.  I'm used to having to be strong for other people.  I'm used to being the glue to hold everyone together.  That I can do.  So why do I feel like I can't hold myself together?? 

I can't vent or break down to the one person I'm used to running to 24/7...which may have a lot more to do with my "mood" this week than I realize.  I can't push my problems to the side and pretend they're not there.  I can't walk into work and say "I'm done."  I can't take the easy road as much as I want to... I've promised to myself that I won't let me take that route.  Like I've said in previous posts... just trying to find my way in this crazy thing called life... and I gotta do it on my own.  Just didn't know and wasn't expecting to have to face everything I'm faced with all at the same time.  I've been trying to "put on my big girl panties, and get over it"... but its not as easy as I thought, and I feel is gonna take a little longer than I anticipated.  So to everyone who may come my way, I apologize in advance.  And to those questioning, no.. I'm not in my bitch mode.  But like I've said, I'm an emotional wreck.  So depending on the conversation and my stress level at that moment, you may get tears.  (My apologies to my boys @ work for this afternoon). lol

"Tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it."

-Albert Smith

I'm totally having one of those days where it feels like anything and everything is going wrong, and all I want to do is cry.  I almost broke down at work 3 or 4 times today. Then I have other things that are stressing me out and not going right... almost just feels like everythings crumbling around me.

I decided I'm not holding it in anymore and just gotta cry it out - I know I'll feel better.  I'm not sure where I picked up the idea that 'crying is a sign of weakness'... but I'm throwing that out the window.  I'm also throwing the "emotional eating" habit out the window... today was the first day back to the gym, not eating the crap... and of course after being stressed out and wanting to cry.. I go grab a bag of Skittles. Ugh! I blame work for deciding to sell candy.... FML.

Hoping tomorrow will be a better and brighter day, thats for sure!

1.  One of my best friends was home for the holidays.   I hadn't seen him in three years, which was the last time he was home.  He flew back to his other "home" this week.  Siiighh Would rather him stay here forever, but his life isn't here anymore.  But it was fun while it lasted.

2. So, now that the holidays are over.  I can be on a schedule with no interruptions!  Back to the gym full throttle starting tomorrow.  No more messing around.  I made it there twice this week, and I plan on living there for the next few months.

3. I've done A LOT of thinking this week.  Going through some sort of a "self" phase right now.  Working on "me".  I know who I am (I think).... I know what I want (I think).... I know where I wanta go (I think).... But I'm done having these small doubts about myself.  So these next few weeks or months, it's all about me.  Had to be reminded that I'm #1, I need to look out for me... and worry about me first. 

4. Had dinner and drinks with my "bestie since Kindergarten" on Thursday (Tristan). Okay.. it was one drink... and I'm the only one who drank. lol It was fun and so nice to go and just sit there and talk with her.  Definitely needs to happen more often, I just need to remember when in a public place, and am telling an intense story.. to keep my voice low... you never know who is sitting in the booth behind you. ;) haha

5.  Friday morning, I worked a half day and took off for the weekend to Lake Arrowhead with Ashley and her family.  Her mom rented a beauuuutiful cabin... It was Ash and I, her mom and two brothers, and one of her brothers' girlfriends.  Then her grandparents came up for the second night we were there.

Friday night we decided to go out and get pizza (this was the night her grandparents were NOT there).  There was a "super extra large pizza" which consisted of 32 slices.  Her mom thinking that it was a savings, we would get the SUPER pizza, and we'd have leftovers for later.  Her brothers then decided, no... lets finish it.  And we did. UUGGHGHH!! lol  Then we went back to the cabin and played Phase 10 till like 2am! Think it was a 4 hour game?? lol

Before

After

6.  Saturday morning we were woken up that Ash's grandparents were on the way and we were meeting them for breakfast.  We ended up driving to the "village", and eating at a Belgian Waffle house.  I feel like all we did was eat this weekend! Majority of us got the Strawberry-Banana Royal.. can you say.. YUM?? Can you also say... gym?? LOL

  

After breakfast, we walked around all the little shops and the lake.  They fed the ducks and walked in the stores..  I mainly was on Ashleys iPhone trying to post up my "Quote of the Day" while everyone was looking through the shops.  It was a good distraction to avoid from spending any kind of money. lol I did get to enjoy a little wine tasting experience with Ashleys mom and her Grandpa.  He had stopped in a shop called Vino 100.  There were 4 different types of wine... a pinot grigio, a vino rosso, a cabernet, and a Portuguese red wine that we couldn't pronounce.  After doing that, I think I decided for my 25th birthday I want to rent a limo and go down to "wine country" and do some wine tasting. =)

Lake Arrowhead

After we left the village, we headed back to the cabin.. layed around, some took naps, some played games.  Then later decided to hit up a Mexican food restaurant for dinner, while Eric (Ashleys brother) ordered and ate about half of "The Monster".  The menu's description of the burrito was: Everything but the kitchen sink.

Holy Moly!!! LOL  And he only ate half of it...

7.  Now it's Sunday.. and I'm finally home.  Ash got sick over the weekend, and I started feeling it in my nose/head last night.. so I've been praying I wont get sick.  But it felt AMAZING to lay around on the couch all day and catch up and watch all of my shows on my DVR... ok, ALMOST all of my shows.  I think I still have some.. but I wanted to go to bed early... gym starts tomorrow morning.. bright and early... no wait, dark and early. UGGH! ;)

"Darling, I'd still catch a grenade for ya, throw my hand on a blade for ya, I'd jump in front of a train for ya.  You know I'd do anything for ya. I would go through all this pain, take a bullet straight through my brain... yes, I would die for you baby... but you won't do the same."

-Bruno Mars lyrics from Grenade

This song has been on repeat, except I'm obsessed with an acoustic girl version that I found.  Last weekend I went to BWW and grabbed drinks with some friends, and a girl sang Kareoke to this song... and after that was obsessed to find a girl version I can download.  Below is the YouTube video of the song I downloaded. =)

Quote of the Day

"Listening to your heart is not simple. Finding out who you are is not simple. It takes alot of hard work and courage to get to know who you are and what you want."
-Sue Bender

"A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you've been taking."

-Earl Wilson

Packed up and ready to get the heck outta here.  As much as I want to turn the cell phone off and leave it at home, I would go completely INSANE!  Even if I dont plan on using it, knowing that I cannot be reached... it makes me nervous in case ANYTHING were to happen.

Cant wait to be in the cold weather...wearing sweatshirts, sweats & uggs... doing absoultely NOTHING in a cabin all weekend!  Siiiigh!  A chance to get away to Lake Arrowhead couldn't have came at a better time!

"The hardest thing about growing up is that you have to do what is right for you, even if that means breaking someone's heart - including your own."

-Anonymous

I just told someone the other day... I hate being grown up.  I'd rather still be playing Barbies, only being worried about homework and chores around the house, and still running from boys cause they had cooties.

This whole idea of putting your heart out there... it's scary.

When it comes to giving it away or wanting it back... that's tough.

Breaking someones heart and/or breaking your own... it hurts like hell.

But... you have to do right by you!!

"The higher you build the walls around your heart, the harder you fall when someone tears them down."

-Anonymous

to "let go" means not to worry about the future, but to look forward to what might happen.

to "let go" does not mean to stop caring, it means i care more than ever.

to "let go" is not to cut myself off, it's the realization i can't control another.

to "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

to "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

to "let go" is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.

to "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.

to "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.

to "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

to "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

to "let go" is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.

to "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.

to "let go" is not to intrude, worry or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings, & correct them.

to "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

to "let go" is to fear less, and love more.

-Unknown

"How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."

-Carol Sobieski and Thomas Meehan, Annie

Saying goodbye is never fun.  
It's not something you look forward to, nor is it something  any of us want to do. 
This is one of the few postivie 'goodbye' quotes that I actually liked.

If a goodbye is ever easy, it makes you question your relationship.
And you know if its hard, you're lucky to have or to have had something that means that much.

"Every great decision creates ripples - like a huge boulder dropped in a lake.  The ripples merge, rebound off the banks in unforeseeable ways.  The heavier the decision, the larger the waves, the more uncertain the consequences."

-Ben Aaronvitch

So this week, all my quotes and topics have been about decision making.  Deciding with your heart vs. deciding with your head.  Making the right decision vs. making the wrong decision.  Having the choice to make a change, and having the power of how you react to the change.  Never had I thought about consequences, until a family member had commented on one of my posts... he said:

"Whenever someone makes a decision, its the right decision for that brief moment in time, for the person who made it. There are no bad decisions, but there are always consequences, and the question most have is not will I make a bad decision - the question is - can I live with the consequences or outcome of the decision?"

Why I hadn't thought of writing about consequences... I'm not sure.  I mean, I obviously have thought about what may take place and what may happen after a decision has been made - I do realize what I will lose or what I will gain.  I mean, the consequences of a decision is what we're most worried about right?  I think having to start living through the consequences after a decision is made- is how you base your opinion if you did the right thing or not.  I think if the consequences are fairly easy and manageable - we believe we did the right thing.  If they are hard, or harder than hard... we fear that we did the wrong thing.  That's where doubt and regret come in... but for that brief moment in time, you knew what would be better for YOU... you knew what had to be done, and you did it - but we don't see that right away, we just see.... the consequences that we have to face.  I don't think we'd really know if we did the right or wrong thing until years later when we look back to having make this decision and living through the consequences.  You'll look back and see what could have happened or what did happen.  You may regret it, or you may not.. but you're farther down the road and it's way too late to do anything about it if you do regret it.  All you can do is just go on with your life and accept how things worked out.

 

No matter the decision - I know it will be the right thing to do at that time - whether I regret it afterwards or not.  No matter the decision, there will be ripples, there will be consequences.  And either way, I have to live with whatever they may be and look to God, faith and hope to get me through the consequences, no matter if they are easy or hard. 

1.  Last week I built my dresser and bed, and this week, I built my headboard.  I am officially DONE building furniture! Ugh.. many bruises and scratches later... Here is a few pics of my "finished" bedroom!

2.  Then my closet decided to collapse.  Ugh!  Soo.. dad had to fix it.  And after I put all my clothes back on (throwing some out and deciding to not hang my jeans in my closet anymore)... The pole started creaking and sounding like its gonna break again.  So... had to take allll my clothes out AGAIN... so dad can put up different brackets.  I dont anticipate my closet doing this again anytime soon.... HOPEFULLY

What it looked like when it collapsed...

What it looked like all on my bed...

3. After having my furniture done, and my closet fixed.  I decided I had to repaint some of the things in my room, and also add new pictures to all my frames.  So this was project number..... 3?? I lost count. =)



4.  So deciding that I needed a red pillow(s) for my bed/room, Missy and I went on a little random shopping spree - but instead we ended up looking at sunglasses, and trying on some RIDICULOUS looking hats. lol

5.  So some of you may know that I'm looking for a 2nd job - to work nights and weekends.  Friday I had a job interview at 24 Hour Fitness to work the Front Desk/Receptionist.  It was weird being in a "group interview" with 10 other people.  It's been awhile since I've been in one of those. lol  However, I did get a call later that day stating that I was not "chosen" for the 2nd interview.  It may be the fact that my hours of availability were 5-close and weekends, and they had stated they were looking for some with an "open" schedule.  Yea... not me.  lol  Plus, I think I was the only one in that interview that is already employed, so... I guess I'm okay with not getting the job. lol

6.  He'll probably get mad at me for this, but it was funny and sorta cute.  But I wont mention names.  But I took someone to get HIS first pedicure yesterday.  At first I thought he was joking about getting one, but there were no jokes.  So I took him to my place that I go to... mind you, I've gone to these ladies since highschool, and I've NEVER brought a guy with me... one of them shot me a look while we were there, so I'm sure they'll question me later. lol  But, never would I have thought he would be scared and nervous to get a pedicure.  It probably didn't help when we pulled up, all you see is women in the nail salon. haha  I do have to say, he was a trooper... ;) Luckily he had me there to talk his head off, but I did find the experience to be quite amusing. =)  I give him kudos though... I think all guys should get pedicures/manicures once in awhile... it doesnt hurt. ;)

7.  So, I'm trying to think of the last time I was at the movie theaters.  Oohh... I thought it was longer, but I was just there in November. lol  Yea, as much as I LOOVEE going to the movies - I either dont have time, dont have the money, or dont have anyone to go with.  I went and saw The Dilemma last night with the boys (for those who are questioning - I have 2 sets of boys... Bobby & Josh [for those wondering who they are, they are friends from work], and Sonny & Kris [most of you know who they are, but they've been around for years lol).  Okay, back to what I was saying... went and saw the movie with Bobby and Josh.  We missed the showing we wanted to see, so we walked around the Mills to kill time till the next movie.  I do have to say this - God has mysterious ways of placing people in your life.  Never would I have thought that these two boys and their friendship would mean so much to me... I knew we'd be friends, but not best of. ;)  They're always there, and I know I can always count on them.  I probably don't tell them enough, but I'm very grateful that they were placed in my life.  They're definitely keepers. =)

**I know its Sunday's SEVEN, but I added an extra one this week**

8.  Before my room... I was getting bored with my hair.  I was debating on what to do to change it up.  Then I got distracted with my room, so that put of the changing of the hair for a couple weeks... but now that I'm done... I'm back to my hair dilemma.  I'm thinking of changing the color, but I'm not 100% positive.  This is the closest picture I've found of how I want it...  I've done blonde, I've done dark-brown almost black (what it is now), Ive done the ugly medium brown btwn blonde and black (hated that)... I've never done a reddish tone.  We tried to do red highlights one time, but my hair was too dark, and the red color didn't show up at all... but it was a trial thing cause Laurie (my hairdresser) and I were scared. lol

But this, I like...

Saturday, January 15th Post - (was a little late today) ;)

"Any change, any loss, does not make us victims.  Others can shake you, surprise you, disappoint you, but they can't prevent you from acting, from taking the situation you're presented with and moving on.  No matter where you are in life, no matter what your situation, you can always do something.  You always have a choice and the choice can be power."

-Blaine Lee Ph.D, Motivational Speaker/Author

... Continued from yesterday's post

I left with the question - "Did I make the right decision?"  I also questioned early on in the post - "How do you chose between your head and your heart?"  While looking for some peace of mind, some inspiration, I came across this quote:

"Make decisions from the heart and use your head to make it work out"
-Sir Girad

Thank you, Sir Girad, for telling me what to do (it seems like we always search for the answers in other people.. its easier for people to tell us what to do or what they they think we should do - rather than to just decide for ourselves).
Easy as pie! Right??

Yea... I'm not convinced that it's that easy.  I'm already starting to question...

What if I can't make it work out?
What if I feel stuck and feel even worse about the "situation" than I do now?
What if deciding with my heart makes things worse?
Or.. what if deciding with my heart ends up in heartbreak?

**..... I just had an "Ah-ha" moment.  I like to think of myself as an optimistic person.  But re-reading what I just said, I'm totally doubting following my heart.  Doubting may not be the right word... Questioning.  I'm questioning if my heart can make the right decision.  Hmm... this is a little unnerving, and a little upsetting.  I've sat here debating for the last couple days between following your head or your heart... and here I thought I was on 100% on the heart's side.... .**

Okay... forgetting Sir Girad (he gave me a headache), back to those who are still wondering, still faced with the question of whether you the made the right decision or not... I found this:

"In any moment of  decision - the BEST thing you can do is the right thing, the NEXT BEST thing is the wrong thing, and the WORST thing you can do... is nothing."
-Theodore Roosevelt

If by chance you made the wrong decision, which you'll never know if you did or not... you shouldn't waste time thinking/stressing about it.  If you did the right or the wrong thing - you did the BEST or the NEXT BEST thing.  Doing NOTHING is the worst thing you can do... it will most likely lead you no where but to the road of regret.  Regret for not doing something about it when you had the chance.  If you think about it... following your heart or following your head... doing the right thing or doing the wrong thing... all you're doing is changing your situation.  

Making a decision - is the first thing you decide to do to make a change.


..... to be continued... again. =)

"If your head tells you one thing, and your heart tells you another...before you do anything, you should first decide whether you have a better head or a better heart."

-Marilyn vos Savant

 

 

Makes sense. But how do you decipher which one is "better"? 

 
Not all decisions are you faced with choosing either to follow your head or follow your heart.  Most of the time, those matters are close to the heart (obviously).  It may be life changing, it may not change only your future... but the future of your family/friends, it may result in happiness... or could result in sadness, it may take you down a different path in life that you weren't expecting.

My head and my heart normally pull me in opposite directions when I'm faced with having to make a major decision.  I know what I need to do. My head knows it... but my heart always tells me to do otherwise - most of the time to hold on or go the other way, to fight for what I feel, for what it wants. But at some point, I realize that I know my head probably knows what's better for me and for my heart. My head knows the facts, but my heart feels the emotions. It's just the matter of convincing the heart to let go and give into your head.  So how do you convince your heart to let go of something that it obviously doesn't want to, or to follow through with the direction your head is saying to go?

This is a difficult task, especially for me.  One, because I over-analyze everything before I make a decision.  So a decision like this isn't made in an hour, or in a day.  I take weeks to really figure out what I'm doing.  Two, everything I do... I do it with heart.  I put my heart into EVERYTHING I do.. 100%.  So when I'm faced to follow my head or my heart... it almost feels impossible. I'm already spinning in circles.  Making a decision whether to listen to my heart or to my head... it breaks me down - how can I choose?  It's one of those "gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart" kinda feelings... probably the same kind of feeling you feel after you follow your head.  The same feeling after your heart loses the fight. Siiigh

Then, after you decide.. whether it's following your heart or your head...and you follow through and actually make the decision... You're faced with the one question that will most likely haunt you until you're completely over it and eventually become satisfied with your decision:

Did I do the right thing?




.... to be continued.

"If you can make a girl laugh - - you can make a girl do anything."

-Marilyn Monroe

I hate that this is true... Sure, the guy can be cute and you can walk away without feeling that you're missing out.  But as soon as he makes you laugh, more than once.... you're in trouble.  Falling for the funny, cute, charming guy who makes everyone laugh - makes life more interesting and more fun right? Yes, I said more fun. :)

My only question is... what happens when it's time to get serious??  

"It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance.

It is the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance.

It is the one who won't be taken who cannot seem to give.

And the soul afraid of dying, that never learns to live."

-Bette Midler

"Tis better to have loved and lost, than never have loved at all."

-Alfred Lord Tennyson

This is one of those bittersweet quotes...

 In one sense, you lived a portion of your life loving someone.  Someone who was worth your love, someone who was worth your time, someone who was worthy of you.  You had opened up your heart and your life to someone... and loved.  In another sense, you lost it.  Whether it was a bad/mutual breakup, it just wasn't working out, divorce, death, etc. ... either way, the person you had loved, is no longer yours.  And eventually you have to move on without this person... without this person who, at one point, meant everything to you.

None of us like getting hurt, none of us like losing someone we love or having to say goodbye.  I find it ironic how most of us in some situations put up a guard, or take the safe road so we don't have to put ourselves out there to potentially get hurt, or to potentially set ourselves up for failure or rejection.  When it comes to love, a lot of us are more reserved, those who have a guard up... all they have to do is meet one person who can break that guard down, and they're willing to take a chance and risk their feelings, and risk their hearts - and increase the possibility of losing someone and getting hurt, just to experience what love would be like with that person.  I guess, you as an individual - before taking a leap of faith, before falling head over heals, just have to decide whether that person is worth it.  Whether you think it will work out in the end or not, you make a personal decision whether it will be worth the hurt/pain if something were to take a wrong turn, and it not turn out to the be the perfect picture you imagined it to be.

Some people look back and regret they've ever loved someone.  Some people look back and think how they could have ever loved someone like that person.  But I wonder if they look back, and think how different they would be without experiencing that love?  How different would your life be?  Do you think you'd be as strong as you are today?  Do you think you'd know what you want and what you're looking for if you never loved that person at all? Life is too short to live with regrets. That person was put in your life for a reason, if it wasn't meant to be... then it wasn't meant to be.  And what's meant to be will always find its way.  But to have loved and lost... you learn from it, and you grow from it - and you become a better person. I guess I can say I'm one of those people... I'd rather love, than to never have loved at all.

1.  Finally got my windows tinted on my precious baby! Woohooo!!!

2.  My mattress, and new bedding came in!! Then, my new bed and dresser came in!!  Mind you... they literally came in pieces!!!

3.  Spent some time finalizing forms/contract for Ciao Bell'amore.  Went and spent some money on new office supplies (binders, report type folders, customer file, etc.) that were much needed... Gotta be organized!! =)

4.  As I was cleaning out my old dresser, guess what I found?  My almost brand new camera that's been missing for about 6 months.  I knew I either lost it or it was stolen, come to find out... it was in my dresser the whole time. lol

5.  Got to spend some time with one of my bestests (Tristan)... went and had dinner and celebrated our Christmas (we just exchanged Christmas gifts lol) at her house.  And had many laughs at her boys... gotta love em'!



6.  Benihanas. YUUMMM!!! Haven't been since my 22nd birthday... and I went on Saturday for a friends birthday.  If you've never ate there.... it's a must! Though you go home smelling like the food,  it's well worth it!

7.  Built my bedroom furniture.  I started Friday night with the dresser... Dad did some on Saturday while I was out at Bryan Morales' funeral, and then I came home and we finished it together.  Then Sunday rolls around, thinking Dad's gonna help me build my bed... but him, Mom and Missy decided to go visit Robby since he had today off.  So I stayed home and built my bed all by myself.  =)  Though I haven't finished, still have to put my headboard together... I'm sitting on my new bed right now taking a break. ;)  I thought since I upgraded from a Full to Queen size bed, my room was just going to be 'all bed'... but it's not, and it looks great!  But my hands, back, butt and legs hurt... not sure exactly why, but building these things was NOT easy! lol

I'll have to post a picture next week when the headboard is done and when all of my bedding is on. =)

Hope everyone had a great week! 

"You're like a rush, you're like a drug, it's just the sight of you... I like to think that I could kick you but it's what you do.  When you wink at me, what's the Lord think of me... for being so frickin weak, I find it hard for me to breathe."

-Pink lyrics to Heartbreak Down

"The meaning of hope is a confident expectation"

-Said by one of the youth pastors at Bryan Morales' service this morning

One of the reasons this stuck out to me today, was because just the other day I was having a serious conversation with a friend.  During the conversation he had said, "let's just hope for the best."  And I don't remember my response verbatim, but it was something along the lines of, "Here I am, taking control of different situations in my life and doing something about them and making changes... and not relying on hope.  I can't rely on hope anymore.  I don't have control when it comes to hope."  At the time I said this, or even now... I've felt that I've relied on hope and have hoped for so long for many things, that when it comes down to it... I feel that I can't rely on hope for something to happen, or hope that something goes well.  My thoughts were, make it happen.  Take control, and make it happen.  Though there are those things that we cannot control, for example - health, other people's actions, mother nature, etc.  I had/have a hard time relying on hope - it may be the uncertainty that scares me, or not having control of the situation. So when I heard this quote at church this morning... Something inside me had me repeating this quote over and over and over...  A sign maybe? Or maybe God was speaking to me.. telling me I need to stop worrying about being in control and rely on Him... and HOPE.  Sitting in church, hearing the pastor talk about hope I began to feel guilty... realizing that not relying on hope, meant not relying on Him.  When it comes down to the wire, my close friends wouldn't really call me a religious person.  Yes, I've grown up and have gone to church with friends, and here and there had gone to retreats and different events; and have showed up for a service from time to time.  I've always believed in Him, but... I can say have never felt like I've had a relationship with Him.  But after today, feeling guilty that I basically said I'd given up God..when yesterday I had said - I've given up hope... I felt that I was wrong, and something needed to change.   

Read on Bible.org :

Hope may refer to the activity of hoping, or to the object hoped for—the content of one’s hope. By its very nature, hope stresses two things: (a) futurity, and (b) invisibility. It deals with things we can’t see or haven’t received or both.

A biblical hope is not an escape from reality or from problems. It doesn’t leave us idle, drifting or just rocking on the front porch. If our hope is biblical and based on God's promises, it will put us in gear.

It has results: It changes how we see ourselves, it affects what we do with our lives - our talents, time, and treasures.  It has rewards:  It gives us joy and peace; it gives us protection; it gives us strength, courage and boldness; it gives us endurance, comfort, confidence in the face of death.

Positive - the means and basis of the only true hope.

There are a number of warnings in Scripture against putting our hope in anything other than the Lord because these things will leave us ashamed, frustrated, disappointed, and in ruin. God is called “the God of Hope.” This means He is the source of all real hope. If we are going to have hope (confident expectation), it must come from Him for He alone has the power to give it.

So... the outcome?  I know I can't control every situation, and instead of thinking I'm relying on some kind of hope that whatever happens - happens, and that's the end of it... I've started to reassure myself that I need to rely on hope from God, and I need to remember that he has a plan - and whatever may happen, whatever may be the outcome... He has drawn out my future, my path... I can only rely Him.

"I'm more than just an option.... Refuse to be forgotten.... I took a chance with my heart.... And I feel it takin' over...."

-Drake lyrics to Find Your Love