"What part of forever, don't you understand?
I could stay stay stay, if that’s what you want want want.
I’d give it to you you you, if I had a heart heart heart.
And we could go go go, and never look back on now.
I’d give it to you you you, if I had a heart heart heart."
-Cee Lo Green lyrics to What Part of Forever

 

"God will never take away something without giving you something better in its place."

-Author Unknown

I've been receiving cute little stories & devotionals from one of my besties lately.  This quote was in one of the stories she sent me, and I really liked it.  It's funny, nice and ironic that when she reads things (though we haven't talked in forever and she has no idea what's going in my life) she thinks of me and forwards them to me.  She'll send funny stories, at a time I need to laugh.  Or she'll send me inspirational pieces at a time I need a boost, a pick-me-up, or at a time I need to be reminded that everything will work out the way God has planned.  She sends them at exactly the moment I need it most. I don't know how she does it.. but I'm glad she does. :)  She sent me an email this morning, that actually made me tear up... Reassuring me that this process I'm going through.. focusing on myself isn't selfish but necessary - that I may wander for a bit figuring out what it is I'm doing or supposed to be doing, and that this feeling will eventually pass. I know this... but it helped to have her there reassuring me.  Sometimes we all need a little reassurance to keep on track, to keep us from completely losing it... or at least I do. ;)

She sent me a couple verses and a quote she's used since high school:

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."
Joshua 1:9

"We should all be, fearless kids"
-Author Unknown

I'm sure there are things I do "fearlessly"... but of course I can't think of any.  One thing she said was live fearless in knowing that God has a plan and the only fear you should have is in Him, and Him alone.  So she inspired me to do so.  I'm going to try... try to live fearlessly.

Thanks Jac for being an amazing friend, and for being you!!  Love you!!



"I'd tell you I miss you, but I don't know how.... I've never heard silence quite this loud.  Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking... And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me.  I don't know what to say since a twist of fate, when it all broke down.  And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now."

-Taylor Swift lyrics for Story of Us

"I feel like a jigsaw puzzle missing a piece... & I'm not even sure what the picture should be."

-Dexter

I've been trying to explain my current self, in a way that I don't know how... the way I feel & the way I don't feel, the way I care & the way I don't care, how I'm okay but then I'm not, how I'm happy but then I'm sad, how I feel like I need my friends and family but at the same time feel like I need no one.  It's almost as hard as trying to explain a face you've never seen before, or trying to explain an unfamiliar place that you've never been.  I've been saying I need to do me... cause I need to figure me out, cause who I am now,..isn't the "me" I know... it isn't the "me" everyone else knows.  I'm not saying I'm a totally different person... but how I feel, inside... is different.  I won't lie, I admit there are days I put on a facade and act like nothing's wrong... but that's how I get through the day without someone asking me "what's wrong?"  I'm the girl who puts on a smile and acts like everythings okay... when in reality I'm not even sure if things are okay or not, cause I honestly don't know how I feel.  I feel like I'm in limbo... like I'm floating in the place between the good and the bad, waiting for something to happen.  Waiting for me to start feeling like myself.  I've said before that I'm changing, and maybe this place where I'm at isn't limbo... and it's just how or where I am now.  If that's the case, then there's a lot to get used to.  I don't know what to do or how to change my current "self"... I feel like a part of me is missing, a part of me I took for granted.  I'm not sure where, how or when exactly I lost it... but I did. 

I've had to apologize to friends cause they've taken the way I feel personally.  Part of me doesn't think I have anything to apologize for, cause is in reality, I don't feel like I did anything to THEM... I feel like I've done something to MYSELF.  I think I should be apologizing to myself for losing a part of me I shouldn't have lost.  But then again, putting myself in their shoes - is the reason why I did apologize.  I can't expect people to understand the way I feel or the way I am right now, so on their behalf and our friendship, I've apologized and the only thing I can do is hope they accept my apology and hope when I come out of "this",  when and if I do... that they'll be there.  I know it's frustrating, trust me, cause I'm the one in it.  Like I said, I don't expect people to understand what I'm going through, cause I don't... but for those who feel betrayed or befriended, which was not my intention whatsoever, bare with me... cause I'm trying.

"It's good to feel lost... because it proves you have a navigational sense of where 'home' is.  You know that a place that feels like 'being found' exists.  And maybe your current 'location' isn't that place... but Hallelujah - that unsettled, uneasy feeling of 'lost-ness' just brought you closer to it."

-Author Unknown

"I'm the first believer in the power of change.  But there is one thing I've learned, and it's the hardest part of moving forward... is not looking back."

-Felicity



1.  Gym... getting there has been an issue this week.  But after this week, I'm definitely more motivated than I was.  With my cold still lingering, it was hard to feel up for it the beginning of this week.  I did make it there once.. for 20 minutes. HAHA!  I was going to go longer, but this is the same night my car got hurt, and lets just say I was so heated and so tensed up... that my neck and shoulders were hurting when I was running.  So I decided it probably wasn't best to be there.  BUT... I think my 5am routines are going into effect Monday.

2. Tuesday night, instead of going to the gym like I was supposed to.. I went with Josh to go watch Bobby play football.. It was fun and interesting.. and FREEEEZING!  We were fine at first, but by the 2nd game my butt was frozen from the bench, and I couldn't feel my nose or toes! lol After his game, we went Friday's for appetizers and drinks, and ended up being there waaaaaay too late! But like I've said, time and time again... love my boys, and Im glad I went. =)

3.  Wednesday was the day my car got hurt.  It's getting fixed on Tuesday... siiiighh.  Forgot AGAIN to take a picture, I gotta do it in the morning, and I'll add the picture on this post.

4.  Friday night I went to BJ's for dinner and drinks with Cindy (my aunt).  Since we've been so used to seeing each other every week for softball, when we stopped playing... we realized that we were actually missing each other! Weird! ;) lol jk  But it was nice to go hangout without anyone else and talk and catch up on each others lives!  LOVE YOU CINDY!!

5.  After BJ's with Cindy... I met up with my boys (Bobby & Josh).  We hung out at Josh's for awhile, laughed at Bobby for a bit.. then decided to take off to a pool hall up in Rancho and watched Josh get heated about losing a few games.. Was interesting.. but fun! :)

6.  Birthdays!  It was my Dads birthday this week, my twin brothers (which I dont have a facebook OR their cell #s to tell them happy birthday), and my nephew (hehe) London's (Tristan's oldest son).  We did dinner for my Dads on Thursday, and Saturday I went with The Gwartney family to celebrate London's birthday.  We went to Dana Point/Laguna Beach for the day.  We had lunch at JoJo's, then went to the beach.  While they played and dug in the sand, I just sorta sat off to myself and watched the water and the sunset.  It was such a pretty day, so I took a million pictures.  It was really weird to be sitting there.. I don't know if its cause I have SOO much going on - that I couldn't think, or I was just able to block EVERYTHING out.  But I just sat there, not THINKING ABOUT ANYTHING!  It felt great!  After the beach, we went to the park that was in the same parking lot... which I have to admit, was probably the best part of the day.  I can't tell you when the last time it was that I sat on a swing.  Sitting there swinging made me wanta go back to being a kid.  I asked Trit, don't you wish sometimes we can go back to being kids?  After an answer that made me laugh so hard, and sorta agree with her (she said no.. but made another comment I cant post)... I told her besides THAT reason.. being without bills, drama, or whatever else sucks that comes with being an adult - would be great. lol

Having too much fun in the car with the mirror.. lol

This was how old he was turning.... =)

Me taking a million pictures (didn't know Trit was taking a pic lol) & my beautiful bestie =)

Okay.. look at his massive wave behind Lark and Luca... eesh! lol



This was hilarious.. we sang happy birthday, he blew out his candles and took a bite of his cupcake.  Then put the candles back in, and wanted us to sing again, so we all played along and relit his candles and sang again! lol

Uncle Jared won a fake mustache at the pizza place... this is what Trit's boys would look like lol

 7.  ANOTHER Sunday that I lucked out and got away with doing NOTHING!  I was supposed to go to Cindy's Super Bowl Party... but after a busy week, and waking up at 12:30 this afternoon, I didn't feel like doing anything, seeing anybody, or getting ready.  So I messed with my iTunes/iPod all day, and was pretty much a lazy bum - which I have an excuse for when I had a busy week!! =)

"I didn't ask for it to be over, but then again.. I didn't ask for it to begin.  For that's the way it is with life, as some of the most beautiful days come completely by chance.  But even the most beautiful days eventually have their sunsets."

-Author Unknown

"Little Miss I'll get tough, don't you worry about me anymore... Little Miss checkered dress, Little Miss one big mess... Little Miss I'll take less when I always give so much more..."

"Sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win.  It's alright. It's alright. It's alright.  It'll be alright again."

-Sugarland lyrics from Little Miss

I've gone back into my country mood, it'll pass in a week or so... but after sending Robby a country list last weekend, I ended up downloading a ton of songs I hadn't heard of yet.  This is one of the songs that's been on repeat.  I love it.  I guess I've been in my country mood longer than I thought... thinking back to the last few songs I've posted about.. they're country. HA! Well, I'm a diverse individual who listens to about anything and everything.  One minute it's country, then it's alternative, then it's rap, then it's pop. Siiighh

What can I say... I like to have options.. ;)

"There have been lots of ups and downs, but ultimately, at the end of the day... that's what makes you who you are.  We all know how to laugh, we all know how to cry, and we all know how to love back.  We all know heartbreak, but the world keeps moving, and we keep moving along with it.  And everything we experience helps us realize how beautiful life really is."

-Author Unknown

"When things go wrong, you'll find they usually go on getting worse for some time; but once things start going right they often go on getting better and better."

-C.S. Lewis

"If you think your whole life is going wrong just because so much of it is going wrong, then you're wrong.  Mostly when things go wrong, they're meant to go wrong, so we have to outgrow what we have to outgrow."

-Author Unknown

Ever feel like everything is falling apart at once?  Maybe not falling apart... but going wrong?  And it's just one thing after another, after another... I was hoping it was just the month of January that majorly SUCKED!  I think I've shed more tears so far this year, than I did last year... and we're barely in the month of February!! My goodness!! I don't mean to sit here and complain, but shit... I can only handle so much.  I meant to take a picture, but it was too dark last night, and by the time I sat down tonight to write this, it's too dark again (so I'll post a picture in my Sunday's Seven).  But I'm so thankful for the high winds we've had this week... so thankful for the $350 that it's going to cost me to fix my car door. Ugh!

For those who are wondering what happened, to my brand new car's door.. I think at this rate, I may totally rebuild my car by the end of the year (sense the sarcasm?).  Grrr!  Long story short... after parking my car, I slightly opened my door so my car light would come on... and wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am the wind decided to push/whip my door open (very quickly may I add) and jamb my car door into a "pole".  So my car door currently makes a noise when I open/close it, because the outside frame of my door is completely bent in... oh, and the paint has chipped.  So then, when I go to leave... my maintenance light comes on.  So that just added fuel to the fire.  (Once I got home, and looked it up... my maintenance light is a "reminder" that I need to take it in for an oil change, etc. After finding that out, I felt a little better... lol)

Thank you Mom and Dad for not fighting back with me last night after I got home.  I'm very grateful that you both know me so well, and know how to handle me when I'm at my worst... I know my anger, rage, foul choice of words, tears, complaining, and whatever else was present - I know it's a lot to handle.  But thank you for dealing with me and calming me down.  Love you both! ;)

"A woman who changes her hair, is about to change her life..."

-Coco Avant Chanel

I know I already posted today, but because I was unable to post yesterday, I felt I had to make up for it.

So, yes... I changed the hair color. I think I had imagined in my head a little more... BUT, it worked out since I hit a few speed bumps the day we did it.  So it worked out in my favor (thank goodness).  Here are some pics... I tried to take them from different angles...for those who aren't local.  Well.. even if you are local, I still haven't seen anyone. HAHA

As far as changing my life goes.  I'll leave it up to my readers, my friends, and my family...

I do know that I personally, am in the process of changing.  And if I change, I'm assuming my life is definitely going to change.  I currently feel like I have no strings, no obligations, no hopes and maybes for the future, no what-ifs.  I feel... right now... at this moment in time, at this point of my life... whatever happens, happens.  I'm up for anything right now that has anything to do with change!  I've always looked at my future, and have tried to plan it out - "If I get this car... I could eventually pay it off, and it will be great when I eventually have kids."  "If I move here - I would probably be able to get a loan, and actually buy a piece of property, fix it up, and could totally rent it out to to people to have events."  I'm done looking ahead, and am now a "what the hell, take a chance" kinda girl. 

I mean it.. I applied for a job today in San Francisco.. that's how much I mean it. lol And to be quite honest, it's a job I wouldn't have even applied for a couple months ago.  It really doesn't have much to do with the industry that I want to be in... but just the thought of the possibility, the change in location, moving there on my own, the change in work, the change in my day-to-day life... I thought... What the hell?? What the hell do I have to lose? So I applied. lol Now if I get a call and they want to interview me... I may freak out... with excitement.. but I have to admit when I hit 'submit'... I panicked for a short second.  Cause that's something I wouldn't normally do.

Out with the old Val... In with the new.  Some may like me, some may not... buuut... I really could care less. lol I've already voiced to a few people, that I'm done wasting my time and being sucked into other peoples drama (hence the deletion of my facebook account), I'm done waiting around for people to decide whether they want/need me in their life, I'm done feeling like I'm being walked on and taken advantage of, and I'm done being the girl that's easy to read, that wears her heart on her sleeve, and will drop anything and everything for anybody.

So... I'm about to change my life.  And decided a new hairstyle was necessary. =) 

"I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness, for once I'm at a peace with myself.  I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long... I'm moving on."

-Rascal Flatts lyrics from I'm Moving On

Moments of weakness - where not only do you feel weak - but you feel vulnerable, helpless, unguarded, unprotected, exposed, and powerless.  Sometimes you are able to escape these moments, whether it be because of a distraction, a "voice in your head", or just the strength you've built over time.  I've learned to escape these moments quite a bit the last few weeks... but knew it would eventually sneak up on me.  I'm trying not to regret my "moment of weakness", and look at it in a more positive light.  But I'm not going to lie, if I knew the environment/surrounding that made this vulnerable feeling happen - I probably would have avoided it and would have escaped this "moment" from ever happening.  But you live and you learn... and I can't hide and avoid things that I think will make me feel this way.  So I'm looking at my "moment of weakness" as benefit to my advantage.  After this "moment of weakness", there were tears of course, because

1) I felt that I had broken down the guard I've been trying to build;  

2) Started to have disbelief in myself and my strength; and

3) Desperately wanted take EVERYTHING back. 

But when I woke up this morning, I felt different than I have the last couple weeks.  I'm still trying to pinpoint my feelings/emotions that I'm feeling.  This "moment of weakness"  - besides feeling stupid and pathetic in the middle of it - I believe it has brought me the feeling of closure, the reassurance, the motivation and the strength that I know I didn't have before.  I may actually be a little excited, and have the belief in myself that I know I'm doing the right thing... I'm doing right by ME. For once I feel like I'm putting myself FIRST... and it feels AMAZING.

I believe in every quote that I post... and most of them I feel.  But this one hit me today...

Because I know, and I feel... that I'M MOVING ON!!!

"I'm not that girl anymore...

That girl is long gone - boy you missed the boat it just sailed away.

Long gone... She's not drowning in her yesterdays.

Betcha never thought I'd be that strong... Well this girl is long gone."

-Lady Antebellum lyrics to Long Gone

"I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle.  But if a man can't handle me at my worst, then he sure has hell doesn't deserve me at my best." 

 -Marilyn Monroe

1.  Made it to the gym 4x this week.  Pretty good since #2 occured halfway through the week.

2.  Sick.  Ugh!  Had what I thought was a small cold the beginning of the week from my trip to Lake Arrowhead, but from Wednesday night to today all Ive been doing is sneezing, blowing my nose, coughing, and collecting trash...YUCK!!  2 boxes of tissue, a box of DayQuil/NightQuil... FUN STUFF!

3.  ONE TREE HILL!!  First of all, was waay excited that it started back up this week... 2nd of all, it was by far one of the best episodes!  I watched it while at the gym on the elliptical... Love how one minute I think I was laughing out loud, and the next minute was trying to hold back the tears.  I am waaaaaaaaay excited for the "wedding" episode next week.  But seriously, this one tv show totally made my week... =)

4.  Had lunch with Tristan... Mmm Baja Fresh!  Was pretty funny watching the aftermath of London eating a jalapeno!

5.  Changed it up.... I am no longer a solid brunette.  Added some red up in the mix... Decided It needed to spice up my life a little. =)  (Will post a pic soon... taking a pic w/no make-up and still looking sickly... no bueno) lol

6.  Weddings, weddings, weddings.  Oh how much I love weddings.  Helped Steph and Brett with their guest list and "pre-planned" seating arrangement.  Talked about colors and centerpieces... How much this stuff can make my day 10x better.... I LOVE IT!!

7.  Lazy Sunday.  I woke up today with a dark room (at 12:30!!)... to the sound of an empty house and rain!  Ahhhh... wouldn't have wanted to wake up any other way! Though I do feel like I should have gone with Steph and Brett to their wedding venue,  or with my parents and Melissa to go see Robby... I made an executive decision to lay low today.  And hopefully finally shake this sickness.

"This life is what you make of it. No matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about."

-Marilyn Monroe

"I know my heart will never be the same, but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.

Even on my weakest days.... I get a little bit stronger."

-Sara Evans lyrics for A Little Bit Stronger


I understand that we all have different obstacles in life.  I'm not talking about every day obstacles... like what to wear, or what drink we should order at Starbucks, or what we're doing after work.  I'm talking about those life changing obstacles... the obstacles that build character, the ones that build you into the person you were meant to be.  The ones that you either turn around and run from, or the ones you look straight in the face and say.. "bring it on."

It's amazing how fast these things can happen.  How fast your life can change, present and future. Whether it be finding out your mother is diagnosed with  breast cancer, whether it be a death of someone you were close to, whether it be the health of your grandparents or even your health in question, whether it be family moving to another state, whether it be a small little fight with friends, or an ending to a friendship/relationship.

Sometimes these obstacles break you.  Sometimes you have to hide behind a smile and pretend you're okay.  Sometimes you have to hide the tears until you're alone and cry yourself to sleep. Sometimes you feel like if you don't show you care, that people may believe you.  Sometimes you'll feel lost, but you don't want to say it out loud.  Sometimes you'll feel weak, but you don't want to admit it.  Sometimes you have to pretend that everything is peachy to stay strong for other people, when inside.. you're hurting.. or numb.

But most of the time, after facing these obstacles... you're a better version of what you were.  Some come out stronger, smarter, wiser, happier, or in some cases... healthier.  But to get there... you are going to have those days.  The days you want to take everything back.  The days you feel like giving up the fight.  The days you sit there and wish you can go back, wishing you should have said or done something different.  The days your cry yourself to sleep cause you feel like you can't go through it another day.  The days you stare at the phone, cause you miss being able to make that phone call.  The days you miss being able to spend time with certain people.  The days you miss the crazy laughs, crazy times, crazy conversations.

Some obstacles are out of your control. 
Some obstacles you have complete control. 

My obstacles that I'm faced with today... I don't really have much control in.  I do, but I don't.  Confusing?  Yes.  Lets say with how things are now, I can't do anything different than what I'm doing. Yea, it's hard, sometimes it hurts...
But I've said this many times this week... "It's life". 

Your heart may not be the same during/after these obstacles. Your life may not be the same. You may not be the same. But I honestly believe things will work out. You will be okay. Everything happens for a reason. Just believe that as each day passes, that's another day you got through. And as each day passes, you get stronger and stronger - whether it be emotionally, physically, or psychologically.

I feel exactly what my quote says and truly believe it...

"I know my heart will never be the same, but I'm telling myself I'll be okay. 
Even on my weakest days... I get a little bit stronger."

"My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done, and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return."

-Maya Angelou

As much as I want to write a deep meaningful blog tonight... my head is fogged up, my eyes are puffy, my nose is running, my throat is itchy and swollen, and my head is getting really heavy.  Ive been running on DayQuil all day...  and I feel it wearing off. Yuck! This is noooo bueno, and noooo fun.

I hope to shake this mood, this stress, and now this sickness soon.  I feel the need to get back to my creative writing.

Siiiigh

;)

"You never leave someone behind... You take a part of them with you, and leave a part of yourself behind."

-Anonymous