"A woman who changes her hair, is about to change her life..."

-Coco Avant Chanel

I know I already posted today, but because I was unable to post yesterday, I felt I had to make up for it.

So, yes... I changed the hair color. I think I had imagined in my head a little more... BUT, it worked out since I hit a few speed bumps the day we did it.  So it worked out in my favor (thank goodness).  Here are some pics... I tried to take them from different angles...for those who aren't local.  Well.. even if you are local, I still haven't seen anyone. HAHA

As far as changing my life goes.  I'll leave it up to my readers, my friends, and my family...

I do know that I personally, am in the process of changing.  And if I change, I'm assuming my life is definitely going to change.  I currently feel like I have no strings, no obligations, no hopes and maybes for the future, no what-ifs.  I feel... right now... at this moment in time, at this point of my life... whatever happens, happens.  I'm up for anything right now that has anything to do with change!  I've always looked at my future, and have tried to plan it out - "If I get this car... I could eventually pay it off, and it will be great when I eventually have kids."  "If I move here - I would probably be able to get a loan, and actually buy a piece of property, fix it up, and could totally rent it out to to people to have events."  I'm done looking ahead, and am now a "what the hell, take a chance" kinda girl. 

I mean it.. I applied for a job today in San Francisco.. that's how much I mean it. lol And to be quite honest, it's a job I wouldn't have even applied for a couple months ago.  It really doesn't have much to do with the industry that I want to be in... but just the thought of the possibility, the change in location, moving there on my own, the change in work, the change in my day-to-day life... I thought... What the hell?? What the hell do I have to lose? So I applied. lol Now if I get a call and they want to interview me... I may freak out... with excitement.. but I have to admit when I hit 'submit'... I panicked for a short second.  Cause that's something I wouldn't normally do.

Out with the old Val... In with the new.  Some may like me, some may not... buuut... I really could care less. lol I've already voiced to a few people, that I'm done wasting my time and being sucked into other peoples drama (hence the deletion of my facebook account), I'm done waiting around for people to decide whether they want/need me in their life, I'm done feeling like I'm being walked on and taken advantage of, and I'm done being the girl that's easy to read, that wears her heart on her sleeve, and will drop anything and everything for anybody.

So... I'm about to change my life.  And decided a new hairstyle was necessary. =) 

"I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness, for once I'm at a peace with myself.  I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long... I'm moving on."

-Rascal Flatts lyrics from I'm Moving On

Moments of weakness - where not only do you feel weak - but you feel vulnerable, helpless, unguarded, unprotected, exposed, and powerless.  Sometimes you are able to escape these moments, whether it be because of a distraction, a "voice in your head", or just the strength you've built over time.  I've learned to escape these moments quite a bit the last few weeks... but knew it would eventually sneak up on me.  I'm trying not to regret my "moment of weakness", and look at it in a more positive light.  But I'm not going to lie, if I knew the environment/surrounding that made this vulnerable feeling happen - I probably would have avoided it and would have escaped this "moment" from ever happening.  But you live and you learn... and I can't hide and avoid things that I think will make me feel this way.  So I'm looking at my "moment of weakness" as benefit to my advantage.  After this "moment of weakness", there were tears of course, because

1) I felt that I had broken down the guard I've been trying to build;  

2) Started to have disbelief in myself and my strength; and

3) Desperately wanted take EVERYTHING back. 

But when I woke up this morning, I felt different than I have the last couple weeks.  I'm still trying to pinpoint my feelings/emotions that I'm feeling.  This "moment of weakness"  - besides feeling stupid and pathetic in the middle of it - I believe it has brought me the feeling of closure, the reassurance, the motivation and the strength that I know I didn't have before.  I may actually be a little excited, and have the belief in myself that I know I'm doing the right thing... I'm doing right by ME. For once I feel like I'm putting myself FIRST... and it feels AMAZING.

I believe in every quote that I post... and most of them I feel.  But this one hit me today...

Because I know, and I feel... that I'M MOVING ON!!!

"I'm not that girl anymore...

That girl is long gone - boy you missed the boat it just sailed away.

Long gone... She's not drowning in her yesterdays.

Betcha never thought I'd be that strong... Well this girl is long gone."

-Lady Antebellum lyrics to Long Gone

"I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle.  But if a man can't handle me at my worst, then he sure has hell doesn't deserve me at my best." 

 -Marilyn Monroe

1.  Made it to the gym 4x this week.  Pretty good since #2 occured halfway through the week.

2.  Sick.  Ugh!  Had what I thought was a small cold the beginning of the week from my trip to Lake Arrowhead, but from Wednesday night to today all Ive been doing is sneezing, blowing my nose, coughing, and collecting trash...YUCK!!  2 boxes of tissue, a box of DayQuil/NightQuil... FUN STUFF!

3.  ONE TREE HILL!!  First of all, was waay excited that it started back up this week... 2nd of all, it was by far one of the best episodes!  I watched it while at the gym on the elliptical... Love how one minute I think I was laughing out loud, and the next minute was trying to hold back the tears.  I am waaaaaaaaay excited for the "wedding" episode next week.  But seriously, this one tv show totally made my week... =)

4.  Had lunch with Tristan... Mmm Baja Fresh!  Was pretty funny watching the aftermath of London eating a jalapeno!

5.  Changed it up.... I am no longer a solid brunette.  Added some red up in the mix... Decided It needed to spice up my life a little. =)  (Will post a pic soon... taking a pic w/no make-up and still looking sickly... no bueno) lol

6.  Weddings, weddings, weddings.  Oh how much I love weddings.  Helped Steph and Brett with their guest list and "pre-planned" seating arrangement.  Talked about colors and centerpieces... How much this stuff can make my day 10x better.... I LOVE IT!!

7.  Lazy Sunday.  I woke up today with a dark room (at 12:30!!)... to the sound of an empty house and rain!  Ahhhh... wouldn't have wanted to wake up any other way! Though I do feel like I should have gone with Steph and Brett to their wedding venue,  or with my parents and Melissa to go see Robby... I made an executive decision to lay low today.  And hopefully finally shake this sickness.

"This life is what you make of it. No matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about."

-Marilyn Monroe

"I know my heart will never be the same, but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.

Even on my weakest days.... I get a little bit stronger."

-Sara Evans lyrics for A Little Bit Stronger


I understand that we all have different obstacles in life.  I'm not talking about every day obstacles... like what to wear, or what drink we should order at Starbucks, or what we're doing after work.  I'm talking about those life changing obstacles... the obstacles that build character, the ones that build you into the person you were meant to be.  The ones that you either turn around and run from, or the ones you look straight in the face and say.. "bring it on."

It's amazing how fast these things can happen.  How fast your life can change, present and future. Whether it be finding out your mother is diagnosed with  breast cancer, whether it be a death of someone you were close to, whether it be the health of your grandparents or even your health in question, whether it be family moving to another state, whether it be a small little fight with friends, or an ending to a friendship/relationship.

Sometimes these obstacles break you.  Sometimes you have to hide behind a smile and pretend you're okay.  Sometimes you have to hide the tears until you're alone and cry yourself to sleep. Sometimes you feel like if you don't show you care, that people may believe you.  Sometimes you'll feel lost, but you don't want to say it out loud.  Sometimes you'll feel weak, but you don't want to admit it.  Sometimes you have to pretend that everything is peachy to stay strong for other people, when inside.. you're hurting.. or numb.

But most of the time, after facing these obstacles... you're a better version of what you were.  Some come out stronger, smarter, wiser, happier, or in some cases... healthier.  But to get there... you are going to have those days.  The days you want to take everything back.  The days you feel like giving up the fight.  The days you sit there and wish you can go back, wishing you should have said or done something different.  The days your cry yourself to sleep cause you feel like you can't go through it another day.  The days you stare at the phone, cause you miss being able to make that phone call.  The days you miss being able to spend time with certain people.  The days you miss the crazy laughs, crazy times, crazy conversations.

Some obstacles are out of your control. 
Some obstacles you have complete control. 

My obstacles that I'm faced with today... I don't really have much control in.  I do, but I don't.  Confusing?  Yes.  Lets say with how things are now, I can't do anything different than what I'm doing. Yea, it's hard, sometimes it hurts...
But I've said this many times this week... "It's life". 

Your heart may not be the same during/after these obstacles. Your life may not be the same. You may not be the same. But I honestly believe things will work out. You will be okay. Everything happens for a reason. Just believe that as each day passes, that's another day you got through. And as each day passes, you get stronger and stronger - whether it be emotionally, physically, or psychologically.

I feel exactly what my quote says and truly believe it...

"I know my heart will never be the same, but I'm telling myself I'll be okay. 
Even on my weakest days... I get a little bit stronger."

"My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done, and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return."

-Maya Angelou

As much as I want to write a deep meaningful blog tonight... my head is fogged up, my eyes are puffy, my nose is running, my throat is itchy and swollen, and my head is getting really heavy.  Ive been running on DayQuil all day...  and I feel it wearing off. Yuck! This is noooo bueno, and noooo fun.

I hope to shake this mood, this stress, and now this sickness soon.  I feel the need to get back to my creative writing.

Siiiigh

;)

"You never leave someone behind... You take a part of them with you, and leave a part of yourself behind."

-Anonymous

"Stress is simply the adaptation of our bodies and minds to change."

-Peter G. Hanson, M.D.

"Stress is the trash of modern life - we all generate it, but if you don't dispose of it properly... it will pile up and overtake your life."

-Danzae Pace


Not sure what it is today... but its either just as bad, or even worse than yesterday.  So when I said I was hoping for a "better and brighter tomorrow"... I really meant it.  I'm ready for this week to be O-V-E-R!!!

I can't really pinpoint exactly what is stressing me out.  There are a handful of issues/situations/problems... and I think I may just be overwhelmed, that I can't handle it all, or I feel like I can't handle it all.  These handful of situations are a mix of changes, possibilities, unknowns, and your normal "I'm over it" feeling.  And unfortunately, they're making me an emotional wreck (oh, and also throw in a cold and not feeling good).  And on top of it all, I know and I feel like I have to be strong... for myself.  I'm used to having to be strong for other people.  I'm used to being the glue to hold everyone together.  That I can do.  So why do I feel like I can't hold myself together?? 

I can't vent or break down to the one person I'm used to running to 24/7...which may have a lot more to do with my "mood" this week than I realize.  I can't push my problems to the side and pretend they're not there.  I can't walk into work and say "I'm done."  I can't take the easy road as much as I want to... I've promised to myself that I won't let me take that route.  Like I've said in previous posts... just trying to find my way in this crazy thing called life... and I gotta do it on my own.  Just didn't know and wasn't expecting to have to face everything I'm faced with all at the same time.  I've been trying to "put on my big girl panties, and get over it"... but its not as easy as I thought, and I feel is gonna take a little longer than I anticipated.  So to everyone who may come my way, I apologize in advance.  And to those questioning, no.. I'm not in my bitch mode.  But like I've said, I'm an emotional wreck.  So depending on the conversation and my stress level at that moment, you may get tears.  (My apologies to my boys @ work for this afternoon). lol

"Tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it."

-Albert Smith

I'm totally having one of those days where it feels like anything and everything is going wrong, and all I want to do is cry.  I almost broke down at work 3 or 4 times today. Then I have other things that are stressing me out and not going right... almost just feels like everythings crumbling around me.

I decided I'm not holding it in anymore and just gotta cry it out - I know I'll feel better.  I'm not sure where I picked up the idea that 'crying is a sign of weakness'... but I'm throwing that out the window.  I'm also throwing the "emotional eating" habit out the window... today was the first day back to the gym, not eating the crap... and of course after being stressed out and wanting to cry.. I go grab a bag of Skittles. Ugh! I blame work for deciding to sell candy.... FML.

Hoping tomorrow will be a better and brighter day, thats for sure!

1.  One of my best friends was home for the holidays.   I hadn't seen him in three years, which was the last time he was home.  He flew back to his other "home" this week.  Siiighh Would rather him stay here forever, but his life isn't here anymore.  But it was fun while it lasted.

2. So, now that the holidays are over.  I can be on a schedule with no interruptions!  Back to the gym full throttle starting tomorrow.  No more messing around.  I made it there twice this week, and I plan on living there for the next few months.

3. I've done A LOT of thinking this week.  Going through some sort of a "self" phase right now.  Working on "me".  I know who I am (I think).... I know what I want (I think).... I know where I wanta go (I think).... But I'm done having these small doubts about myself.  So these next few weeks or months, it's all about me.  Had to be reminded that I'm #1, I need to look out for me... and worry about me first. 

4. Had dinner and drinks with my "bestie since Kindergarten" on Thursday (Tristan). Okay.. it was one drink... and I'm the only one who drank. lol It was fun and so nice to go and just sit there and talk with her.  Definitely needs to happen more often, I just need to remember when in a public place, and am telling an intense story.. to keep my voice low... you never know who is sitting in the booth behind you. ;) haha

5.  Friday morning, I worked a half day and took off for the weekend to Lake Arrowhead with Ashley and her family.  Her mom rented a beauuuutiful cabin... It was Ash and I, her mom and two brothers, and one of her brothers' girlfriends.  Then her grandparents came up for the second night we were there.

Friday night we decided to go out and get pizza (this was the night her grandparents were NOT there).  There was a "super extra large pizza" which consisted of 32 slices.  Her mom thinking that it was a savings, we would get the SUPER pizza, and we'd have leftovers for later.  Her brothers then decided, no... lets finish it.  And we did. UUGGHGHH!! lol  Then we went back to the cabin and played Phase 10 till like 2am! Think it was a 4 hour game?? lol

Before

After

6.  Saturday morning we were woken up that Ash's grandparents were on the way and we were meeting them for breakfast.  We ended up driving to the "village", and eating at a Belgian Waffle house.  I feel like all we did was eat this weekend! Majority of us got the Strawberry-Banana Royal.. can you say.. YUM?? Can you also say... gym?? LOL

  

After breakfast, we walked around all the little shops and the lake.  They fed the ducks and walked in the stores..  I mainly was on Ashleys iPhone trying to post up my "Quote of the Day" while everyone was looking through the shops.  It was a good distraction to avoid from spending any kind of money. lol I did get to enjoy a little wine tasting experience with Ashleys mom and her Grandpa.  He had stopped in a shop called Vino 100.  There were 4 different types of wine... a pinot grigio, a vino rosso, a cabernet, and a Portuguese red wine that we couldn't pronounce.  After doing that, I think I decided for my 25th birthday I want to rent a limo and go down to "wine country" and do some wine tasting. =)

Lake Arrowhead

After we left the village, we headed back to the cabin.. layed around, some took naps, some played games.  Then later decided to hit up a Mexican food restaurant for dinner, while Eric (Ashleys brother) ordered and ate about half of "The Monster".  The menu's description of the burrito was: Everything but the kitchen sink.

Holy Moly!!! LOL  And he only ate half of it...

7.  Now it's Sunday.. and I'm finally home.  Ash got sick over the weekend, and I started feeling it in my nose/head last night.. so I've been praying I wont get sick.  But it felt AMAZING to lay around on the couch all day and catch up and watch all of my shows on my DVR... ok, ALMOST all of my shows.  I think I still have some.. but I wanted to go to bed early... gym starts tomorrow morning.. bright and early... no wait, dark and early. UGGH! ;)

"Darling, I'd still catch a grenade for ya, throw my hand on a blade for ya, I'd jump in front of a train for ya.  You know I'd do anything for ya. I would go through all this pain, take a bullet straight through my brain... yes, I would die for you baby... but you won't do the same."

-Bruno Mars lyrics from Grenade

This song has been on repeat, except I'm obsessed with an acoustic girl version that I found.  Last weekend I went to BWW and grabbed drinks with some friends, and a girl sang Kareoke to this song... and after that was obsessed to find a girl version I can download.  Below is the YouTube video of the song I downloaded. =)

Quote of the Day

"Listening to your heart is not simple. Finding out who you are is not simple. It takes alot of hard work and courage to get to know who you are and what you want."
-Sue Bender

"A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you've been taking."

-Earl Wilson

Packed up and ready to get the heck outta here.  As much as I want to turn the cell phone off and leave it at home, I would go completely INSANE!  Even if I dont plan on using it, knowing that I cannot be reached... it makes me nervous in case ANYTHING were to happen.

Cant wait to be in the cold weather...wearing sweatshirts, sweats & uggs... doing absoultely NOTHING in a cabin all weekend!  Siiiigh!  A chance to get away to Lake Arrowhead couldn't have came at a better time!

"The hardest thing about growing up is that you have to do what is right for you, even if that means breaking someone's heart - including your own."

-Anonymous

I just told someone the other day... I hate being grown up.  I'd rather still be playing Barbies, only being worried about homework and chores around the house, and still running from boys cause they had cooties.

This whole idea of putting your heart out there... it's scary.

When it comes to giving it away or wanting it back... that's tough.

Breaking someones heart and/or breaking your own... it hurts like hell.

But... you have to do right by you!!

"The higher you build the walls around your heart, the harder you fall when someone tears them down."

-Anonymous

to "let go" means not to worry about the future, but to look forward to what might happen.

to "let go" does not mean to stop caring, it means i care more than ever.

to "let go" is not to cut myself off, it's the realization i can't control another.

to "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

to "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

to "let go" is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.

to "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.

to "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.

to "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

to "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

to "let go" is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.

to "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.

to "let go" is not to intrude, worry or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings, & correct them.

to "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

to "let go" is to fear less, and love more.

-Unknown

"How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."

-Carol Sobieski and Thomas Meehan, Annie

Saying goodbye is never fun.  
It's not something you look forward to, nor is it something  any of us want to do. 
This is one of the few postivie 'goodbye' quotes that I actually liked.

If a goodbye is ever easy, it makes you question your relationship.
And you know if its hard, you're lucky to have or to have had something that means that much.

"Every great decision creates ripples - like a huge boulder dropped in a lake.  The ripples merge, rebound off the banks in unforeseeable ways.  The heavier the decision, the larger the waves, the more uncertain the consequences."

-Ben Aaronvitch

So this week, all my quotes and topics have been about decision making.  Deciding with your heart vs. deciding with your head.  Making the right decision vs. making the wrong decision.  Having the choice to make a change, and having the power of how you react to the change.  Never had I thought about consequences, until a family member had commented on one of my posts... he said:

"Whenever someone makes a decision, its the right decision for that brief moment in time, for the person who made it. There are no bad decisions, but there are always consequences, and the question most have is not will I make a bad decision - the question is - can I live with the consequences or outcome of the decision?"

Why I hadn't thought of writing about consequences... I'm not sure.  I mean, I obviously have thought about what may take place and what may happen after a decision has been made - I do realize what I will lose or what I will gain.  I mean, the consequences of a decision is what we're most worried about right?  I think having to start living through the consequences after a decision is made- is how you base your opinion if you did the right thing or not.  I think if the consequences are fairly easy and manageable - we believe we did the right thing.  If they are hard, or harder than hard... we fear that we did the wrong thing.  That's where doubt and regret come in... but for that brief moment in time, you knew what would be better for YOU... you knew what had to be done, and you did it - but we don't see that right away, we just see.... the consequences that we have to face.  I don't think we'd really know if we did the right or wrong thing until years later when we look back to having make this decision and living through the consequences.  You'll look back and see what could have happened or what did happen.  You may regret it, or you may not.. but you're farther down the road and it's way too late to do anything about it if you do regret it.  All you can do is just go on with your life and accept how things worked out.

 

No matter the decision - I know it will be the right thing to do at that time - whether I regret it afterwards or not.  No matter the decision, there will be ripples, there will be consequences.  And either way, I have to live with whatever they may be and look to God, faith and hope to get me through the consequences, no matter if they are easy or hard.